newsletter1 The Stupid Foursome

The Stupid Foursome


(It might not be four soon)



Alien Cows Attack Earth- CIA Tries To Hide Two days ago, at the White House, in the still of the night a lonely flying saucer flew through the air. Some witnesses say it was a tea kettle, but I’m not so sure. Cows were beamed down onto a farm, and started entering the flesh of Earth cows, possessing the and beaming them up again for tests. Many cow-related incidents have many joining a religious cult who belive that cows will come and become the world’s most powerful species, cutting humans up and putting them into buns. They also belive that those to bow down to the cow god may be spared. As you know, cows have been acting strange for the last couple of years. First, E Coli, then the mad cow desease, and i few slightly different reports of Bush being attacked and/or severely damaged by bovines. No one knows what is happening to the cows, but this sauser tells us something-but I haven’t figured it out yet. By Michael G.

MADE FOR THE BEST ANIMALS ON EARTH Recently, an amazing and slighty odd study came in from Juneau, Alaska. A young boy named Mukluk wrote in, saying (quote) "I have two peguins named Bob and Suzie. Both of them enjoy Snapple." Impossible? Think again. Scientists tested the peguins at the Cape May Zoo, each with a different flavor of Snapple. The results were amazing. Young female peguins seem to like diet lemon iced tea, while young males prefer plain old lemon. Older females without young choose peach, as do older males with and without children. Older females who have had children like the taste of lemon iced tea (not diet). Newborn peguins like strawberry kiwi. Once drinking snapple, peguins become very over-active and seem to crave more. However, once this energized state wears off, the peguin is normal once again. Snapple also gives peguins better swimming ability. Most peguins will like Snapple, although the emperor peguins might be a bit tricky. Thank you, young Mukluk. By Lisa C.

STANDARDIZED TESTING CONFUZZELS TEACHERS-POOR ACCENTS DRIVE STUDENTS TO POOR SCORES This month, across the nation, children are being held from the bright and sunny days outside to confinement in their classrooms. The reason for this torture, you ask? The dreaded Stanford 9s. Every single year the students must bear the pain of bubbling little circles on a vast answer sheet, deciding if it should be A, or B, C, or wait, is it D? For those brilliant straight-A students the work is easy, all except for two small parts. The first-directions. Most of you are thinking-Directions?! Why the fhip are the directions so hard to comprehend? What has the nation’s children been turned into? Deaf slugs? The answer is no. We’re not deaf, it’s the stupid teacher’s foriegn accents that screw us up! Honestly, try listening for segments each hour every day for a week- “Tuuuurgn tof paigea un en youuuur testit boookilet...” etc, etc. The facts- 75% of our teachers are A.) from elsewhere and B.) have the WORST accent. So, to get to the point-these perfect students aren’t botching up because they don’t know 5 + 5-they know it damn well. Their teachers just can’t speak in clear enough English for them to comprehend simple instructions. Now-the second thing. Before this year, in most states, the listening section of the Stanford 9 test has still been a part. Obviously those test administrators ignored all complaints about the accents of the teachers who had to read the tests. Now, very thoughtfully, they have taken off this dreaded section, and America’s children will do 200% better this year, couting that this improvement was from the listening, and not elsewhere.. Getting back on track-we have, live, Brenda Lipton, a Nohead Middle 6th grade school girl. Her homeroom teacher, Mrs. Hui-Hup, she says, has one of the worst accents in the school. “Like, every time she reads the instructions, it’s like, like she’s speaking in Japanese or somthing! My friends and I can totally NOT like understand!” Brenda claims that another case like this caused her Stanford scores to be so low last year. Even though the listening section is gotten rid of, the directions still confuzzle students. Even those teachers barely know what they’re saying! “I’d really like to see those half-wit teachers try and take this test-I’d laugh so hard at the scores!” triumphs Bob, another Nohead student. So, we’ve come to a conclusion. We have none! What will happen to those poor students with the confuzzeled-accent teachers? Fhip to them? And the mad cows, who’s attacks seem ceaceless? What about the Snapple-loving penguins? Do they have to go through this misery? Well, for finding the answers to those questions-good luck!!! By Brianna H.

Giant Pencil Shortage- Why are Pencil Sales Low? Many children each day at school are missing pencils. Why? Many belive it is the kid’s fault. Accually, children ask for them, parents are just too absorbed with whatever they’re doing. Children are often upset as parents play the Blame Game. “It’s not my fault. I asked them like a hundred times.” Says local New York child. Pencil sales go down as child’s complaints go up. We have no way to stop it as of yet. By Michael G.


The Poltergeist Monday, May 13, 2001, Weirdville, a rather Common town, but With a queer phenomenon. Yesterday, young Philip Weerd claimed that his television set had spoken to him. According to Philip, the television's exact words were "LUKE! I'm your Father!" Philip was traumatized. The next day, Philip phoned the police as he was once again confronted by the TV. Currently, Philip is in a local asylum while police investigate the matter. According to Police commissioner Robert E. Walton, Philip rambles on all day that his name is Luke. "We don't know what happened, he called and started speaking really fast," said 911 phone operator Jen Foly. Police have not turned up with any leads yet, but the investigation continues as you read this. By Michael C.




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Last updated  2008/09/28 05:24:33 PDTHits  475