stupidnewsy2 The Second Newsy
PUBLISHER Mike G.
Volume No. 1
Issue No. 2
Date6-15-01
Article Crew: Nick L., Hugh D., Mike G., Brianna H., Lisa C.(some of the kids did not do anything this month)

Black or White?
By Lisa C.

Okay, so here's the plot of a basic "superhero" show: some guy (or girl, whatever) gets turned into a superhero. Some evil villian(ess) is trying to A) take over the world; or B) steal something from someone or something. Um, whatever. Want a non-cliche kinda thing? Let's just have the enemy after a cup of coffee. I mean, let's look at it this way: a villain is up at strange hours of the night, concocting weird plans (that always fail, might I add. It's the fault of the producers...GOOD ALWAYS TRIUMPHS. Why? Why?! ...sorry) and talking to their weird assistants with low-cut blouses and less-than-thigh-high skirts. (Sorry...too much Sailormoon...) So, let's think about it. I'd get tired if I were stuck like that all night, wouldn't you? These guys need a big ol' cup o' coffee to cure them. But they're always after worthless stuff, like world domination or people's bodies. If the good guys (so-called) would just give the villains a cup of coffee, guess what? I bet the cartoon would be better, 'cause the bad guys have a motivation to keep going. Thus, the plans and schemes would be even greater. So, basically: Who needs Africa when you can have coffee and stay up all night?
RATS STEAL PEOPLE’S GATORADE!
By Brianna H.

Citizens of the United States, something has arrived that has baffeled both nerdy researchers whom visit too many porn sites and Snapple-drinking penguins alike. Recently, thousands of people have reported a strange phenomonon, and all have proof of it’s occourance. It all started at a middle school in southern California. “I was just walking to the student store with my dollar bill out, ready to buy some Gatorade,” says victim Heather Bore. “I walked up to the window, handed them the dollar, and they gave me my drink. Then-BAM! I saw a cat-sized furry brownish thingy swipe by, snatch my Gatorade, and then when I looked down, it had scratched me! In my blood were the initals R.O.U.S.,” claims Heather. “I mean, it was HUGE, and it stole my Gatorade!” Another case was at a Ralphs super market on Long Island, NY. The woman and her two sons were walking out, with a big crate of Gatorade in their cart. A swarm of brownish and gray terrier-sized things whizzed by and just as quickly as they had arrived, snatched the Gatorades and left. All three had ‘R.O.U.S.’ on their hands, in thier own blood. Countless numbers of other individuals have done this, each getting their Gatorades stolen and each being left with those odd initals in their blood. These occourances were quite odd, so the porn-obsessed nerds were sent out to the scene. One was set up with a bottle of Gatorade. On all sides of him were other researchers with nets, ready to catch the creature responsible. The man walked out, and immideatly the creature came down, grabbed, and snatched. He ran right into the net, and was caught red handed-or pawed. The creature guilty was none other than your average sewer rat-yet the size of a cat. His glowing Gatorade colored eyes hinted his abnormality. Though, despite the reasercher’s efforts, the rat would not speak, he did burp a heck of a lot. This was a problem, if the researchers would ever want to find out what ‘R.O.U.S.’ meant. So they all set to work with the rat (and others they later captured), trying to decode it’s burps. Finally, Perv Lornman, a researcher, discovered what the initals meant. They simply stood for: “Rodents Of Unusual Size”. “Though we no nothing of the reason these rats are doing this,” says Lornman, “we do know that certian rats have an obsession for Gatorade, these ARE Rodents Of Unusal Size, and that I slept with a fruit last night... Wait, did I just say I slept with-duuuuuude....” The reason for the obsession-the world may never know. (NO, we DON’T mean the reporters and pornography!)
Evil Chickens Land
By Nick Labella

I’m reporter nick LaBella and if you haven’t eaten at KFC yet don’t! Evil alien chickens landed, and they were found by KFC. Now every single person who eats there is now under the mothership’s control. Mrs.Shelvacky, a lady whos’ husband’s under control of the strange chickens, lives across from a KFC and said "I saw people walk in with normal eyes and then they come out with glowing red eyes. Ever since her husband ate there he just sounds, eats sleeps and poops like a chicken. This animal is a evil chicken but its evil . This animal is so, bad so evil I’m terrifies me just looking at it. This is its plane looks like(She made an imitation with her nine fingers). If you ever see one run for your life.” I’m Nick LaBella saying stay away from KFC.
The Danger Of The Cows- A Very Long Article
By Michael G.

WARNING-Contains scenes of fighting between humans and cows. Fireworks not avocated for pre-teen use. Please consult your parent before using any flammible or explosive product. For immature audiences only.


Once again, the cows have landed. Is it the final phase? Have we destroyed ALL the cows for GOOD? We don’t know. Read the article and decide for yourself. Michael G. and Harrison S.-the only hope against the cows, and for human survival. We were in my room when we heard the milk ships touching down. We quickly ran for the fireworks that we have smuggled over the black market(don’t tell anyone). We quickly readied our lighter fluid supply and prepared to knock the wayward livestock out of the sky and back to the heck of a planet the came from. As the first shock wave of cows came, we quickly lighted our roman candles(a type of firework) and sent them shreiking all the way at the cows. There were so many cows at the first shock, I didn’t want to guess cow many firecracker’s we’d need, or how many we’d miss out on. We’d have to perserve. The first cows were weakest, right? They came out of their fallen spaceships, only four or five still there, so died of exaustion. There must have been a hundred cows from the first shock wave, we knocked about 75%, leaving the rest to die of fear. It would not be so easy the with the second fleet. However, three cows managed to survive, and they broke throught my window, making it now hand-to-hand combat. Me and all three cows went into combat, me losing. Then Harry grabbed the nearest thing he could find-an old electric nerf gun. The tore a wire and stuck it in one of the cow, getting it electrocuted, and then slamming another with the butt of the gun. One down, and each of us were against one cow. Harrison had the advantage, being larger in strenghth and having capabilities of electric power. However, I was faster and managed to run around the room screaming until I got ahold of myself and kicked the cow in the utter, making it fly against the wall. While the cow was regaining itself, I helped Harry, who was strong but not good enough, holding his own and making it a tie. I was quicker, and I destracted it and Harry slammed the cow from behind with a lava lamp. There were two cows down. One more. The last cow regained itself. Then it lunged after me and we went to hand-to-hand combat once again, moving against the wall. It kept punching at me, and I kept dodging my head, making the walls next to me break. Then I found extra time to lift up my knee against this male cow. It send into shock. Harry came over. “Dude, that HAD to hurt.” “Ohhhhhh.” I said. Then the cow steadied itself, and fell over again, stunned. “We need to use our fireworks.” Harry said. “Wait.” I said. “We need to make an offence plan. We need to trick them. We have at least twenty minutes before the second fleet, I bet they underestimated us and thought that was all they needed, once they found out there was only two of us. If they were going the speed of light, they are still too far away and it will take them a little to realize that their troops were wiped out.” “OK.” Said Harry. So we made a plan. First of all, we had to make a bunker. Harry was obviously more knoledgable about this than I was, so I let him take care of that. I had a LOT of useless junk for him to toy with. I, on the otherhand, had experience in the arts of trap-making, because all my years of defending my room against my sister. So he made a very-well made bunker, and I had a whole sort of thing in my backyard of hidden holes and ropes which held you, and even something like a mousetrap, if you set it off, it covered you with chicken feathers. Me and Harry agreed when the cows came, all heck was going to break loose, no doubt. So we continued with our plan, considering our own expertise. He was a great sort of wall, and I was obsessed with computers, so hacking a computer made by cows shouldn’t have been to hard. I had already password hacked two or three people. The second fleet landed. Luckily, my whole backyard was booby-trapped and it was pretty large. In fact, when a couple of the ships landed, they fell into holes and I grabbed a shovel and bruiried their ships into the ground. Harry ran into the backyard, as planned, to distract them. He had those reloadable-firework-tube-things. We each had long grey and brown coats, my idea, because I’m a huge fan of the Matrix. Harry went out there and started blasting the heck out of the spaceships as the landed, rolling and dodging as planned. He rounded them all up and launched smoke bombs, covering their point of veiw, so they spun and hurt each other, not knowing who was friend and who was foe. Phase two of OUR mission. First of all, I would like to add, more people should have listened to us when we said they were coming. Oh well, no matter. We saved your lives, and you should be eternally grateful to us, and not mess with us. Anyway, I ran into one of the holes. Instead of buiring it, Harry ran to me, and grabbed my shovel. We slid into the hole. He handed me the shovel. He lifted the cow out of the spaceship and I knocked him unconsious with the shovel. He threw the cow up and away. I gave him the shovel once more, and went inside. The smoke from the smoke bombs was almost clear. I didn’t expect them to be that short, and for the cow’s accuracy to be that good, as only a few went down, there were hundreds more. We hadn’t planned for this. “Get another smoke bomb and stall them.” I said. “Huh?” The cow started out of it’s daze. Harry hit it with the shovel. “Dude, we can’t afford-”He started. “NO. You listen. If I can hotwire this thing, we can disguise. We can pretend we destroyed us. They will start to land, and I can send something that this darned this has.” “OK, man.” Harry went and stalled them some more, leading them to mud which used to be a very small pond. Then he sent another smoke bomb. I kept typing codes to get in. Cowsrule-nope. Psychoami-nope. Worlddomination-nope. 189302-Yes. Those had always been some nubmers at the back of my mind, didn’t know why I thought of them. Back to Harry. Once cow was able to get out of the smoke. It was Harry against an airship-the cow smiled cleverly. Then Harry also smiled cleverly, and opened up his coat. There was about fifty reloadable tube things-he took two out, and to the cow’s crazy disbelief he shot it and it blew up. Back to me. I’m trying to juggle here. It all happened at the same time. I started up the aircraft. Back to Harry-the smoke around the ships disapeared and he shot some roman candles at it. It was crazy. He shot down four or ten. There were still about eighty piolets left, and none of the ground. One of them shot milk at Harry, and all of his guns sprayed a while away from him. “Oh God.” He said. Back to me. I was flying in the small aircraft. I aimed it toward the others. The controls weren’t that easy:I kept punching buttons. There were no labels, so I had to guess. I always guessed right-I’mt he computer man, right?-but my hands were slow because cows upright were taller and the controls were made for hooves. I saw Harry. He was defensless. He dodged and rolled away. He couldn’t hold on much more, I realized. I picked up Harry. He started punching buttons. “Stop it!” I yelled. “I’m trying to help!” He yelled back. “Lemme do it!” I yelled in response(there was a lot of yelling). I pressed a couple more and I squirting the milk cannon at the other ships. They fell down. There were ten or twenty. They came at us. One went right next to us. I pushed Harry into it. He pushed the cow off the ship. “Get off my planet.” He said, and together we destroyed the rest. Harry could barely get the controls, I had to tell him what to push, but we made it. Well the third fleet never came. I think next time they will be more careful. And I know, there WILL be a next time. We finished the day or night or whatever you want to call it. Now we’re regular sixth graders again. The year is ending and we’re taking finals. If only we could explain to the world that they owe us their graditudes. Also if we could explain to my mom about the mess in my backyard... Well, I’d like to end my bulliten with one comment.

Now it’s MY turn to take over the world.




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Last updated  2008/09/28 05:24:33 PDTHits  488