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#1 Two old ladies were sitting outside of their local nursing home smoking a cigarette when it began to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, stuck it over her cig., and continued smoking. The other lady said, "What's that?" She replied, "A condom." Where'd you get that," she questioned. "Oh you can get them at any local drugstore."
So the next day, the other old lady walks into the drugstore down the street. She hobbles up the the counter and proudly announces to the pharmacist that she'd like to buy some condoms. The man behind the counter look at her kinda strangely, cuz she's like 80 years old, but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Oh doesn't matter," she replies, "just as long as it fits a camel."
#2 A lady comes home from work early one day to discover that her husband has been cheating on her. She catches him in bed with another woman. So she gets a butcher knife and chases the woman out of the house. Then she runs back into the bedroom, grabs her husband by the dick, and drags him out of bed, outside, and into the garage. She promptly sticks it in a vise, and tightens it as far as it will go. Then she picks up a saw. Her husband says, "You're not going to cut off my thing!" She hands it to him and replies, "I'm not, you are, because I'm burning down the garage."