She’s Only Attracting the Married Guys at Craigslist — What’s Wrong?
We’ve got a letter today from “Cyn” who is getting a little frustrated. She’s gotten herself into fantastic shape after some post-breakup “underground” time. But now, she casts the line out and she only gets bites from Craigslist unhappily married men who want to do her. What gives? Read on to find out:
Hey, Jeff Mac! I read about your site on the Craigslist website, which I also love. The DG site is helping me slowly get back into dating again and DG is an inspiration. I’ve been catching up with the posts on your site, and Manslations are very, very much appreciated!! You are doing a great job.
So, here is my deal. I am a 45-year-old single woman, never been married, no children. I have had two pretty bad relationships and after the last one ended over four years ago, I sort of went into withdrawal from the world. Not the best way to deal with things, but it’s what I did. Among other problems, I wound up finding comfort in food and I gained 20 pounds. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but I have a pretty small frame, so I most def. looked 45 years old and older.
In late 2006 after years of no Craigslist dating, I finally met someone who was attractive, confident, and interesting (to me, anyway.) We went out on two dates, and you can probably guess what happened. He disappeared after date 2 and I have never heard from him again. One of your columns about Craigslist guys disappearing did help me understand why that might have been the case (and thank you!)
Craigslist Omaha
Craigslist Knoxville
Craigslist Akron
Craigslist Milwaukee
Craigslist Greenville
Craigslist Raleigh
Craigslist Syracuse
Craigslist Indianapolis
Well, that incident kind of spurred me to take action. I went on a diet and lost those 20 pounds, improved my wardrobe, and I can say now that I am back in shape again. Last April, though, something else happened and I need a Manslation.
I was at a work-related reception last April when a Craigslist guy approached me. We did some small talk, and then I didn’t think anything else about it. A few days later, he called me and invited me for lunch. It was wonderful; great conversation and then a bit of flirting. It had been so long since something like that happened to me that, honestly, I was quite overwhelmed. We went out to lunch a few more times and he would say things to me like planning other places to go to, etc. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to think that he had a bit of potential.
Well, again, you can probably guess where this one is leading. One day at lunch, he dropped the bombshell that he was married — of course, unhappily. I was devastated. I didn’t see him again, but after all these months, it’s still tearing me up like crazy and it hurts like you wouldn’t believe.
I did decide that maybe I needed to branch out and explore my other options — maybe there really was a single or divorced guy out there who I would like and who would like me? Well, Jeff Mac, forget it. I do live in a less populated area, but I don’t want to use that as a total excuse. I’ve tried online dating, I’ve tried letting my friends know that I am interested in meeting others, etc. I have have NO luck at all. I mean, literally I am meeting no one. In fact, just a couple of months, another married guy let me know that he certainly would do the Craigslist Friends with Benefits option!
I am really stuck, Jeff Mac. It’s very difficult to think that you are attractive only to unavailable men. I need a Manslation — maybe on what I am doing wrong.
Many thanks. Cyn
Dear Cyn,
First of all, congratulations for taking such drastic and awesome action, and becoming totally smoking hot. Always a good step, since it puts you into a position to not feel like someone’s doing you a big honkin’ favor by going out on a date with you, right? And it’s an excellent question — you’re hitting the wrong targets, and wondering if you’re doing something wrong to hit ‘em. Well…I’m not so sure. Could just be that’s who happens to be in range. But let’s see what we can do here. It could be that we can figure out what’s happening by exploring why you are so attractive to these Craigslist unhappily married dudes.
WHAT ARE THEY SEEING?
Ok, if we’re picturing your average married guy in your demographic, what might it be about you that would get him all hot & bothered?
YOU’RE HOT: This one seems obvious, but maybe not. I mean, it sounds like you’ve gotten yourself looking very good. Could it be that you look better than what he’s used to seeing in his and your age range? Better than, say, the woman that lives at his house?
YOU’RE FUN: These guys see that your life isn’t determined by what the kids are doing, where they are, getting them dressed, etc. Seems interesting to him, maybe. These guys married a wife, but now they’re maybe married to a “mom,” right? For an immature married mid-life-crisis-tard, it might pique his interest to see a woman who never deals with boogers besides her own.
YOU’RE AVAILABLE: In his little mind, you’re always going to be around for him since there’s nobody to pick up from soccer practice, etc.
YOU’RE INTERESTED IN HIM: Yet another way in which you may be different from the wives of these buttwipes.
YOU’RE NEW: Always the big one that tempts cheaters.
Doesn’t exactly sound like any of these things is “wrong.” It’s just that…well, that’s who’s out there right now.
The unfortunate truth is likely this: the vast majority of dudes in your age ballpark are unavailable men, no? Bummer, right? But wait! There’s good news. 50 percent of marriages result in divorce! (Pfft! How’s that for a silver lining?) So, how are you going to find these guys? Well, I’m hoping that the Craigslist ladies can help out with that one in the comments, since I personally have never gone trolling for 45 year old divorced men before. (Hey, it’s not that I’m closed minded. It’s just not my thing.)
Good luck, Cyn. What I can tell you is that it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong at all. Sounds to me like you’re attracting men. It just sounds like since most of the fish in your particular pond are odds-on favorites to be hitched already, the men you’re attracting are likely to be in that group.
Ok, Ladies — now you talk. What can Cyn do to get out an meet some AVAILABLE men?
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